I have been pondering this concept of the big and final Truth for quite some time.  I think I used to treat it as a deep and underlying law that every other law originated from.  However, if the universe seems to be complete and utter chaos (like a 3D pool table with no borders and infinite billiard balls flying around willy nilly with no friction to slow them down), then that underlying descriptive law of the universe would simply be "chaos" itself.  (ignore for a moment that chaos can be defined as a lack of order or governing law)

Looking at the big picture (the one without borders) it appears as though big chaos moves about in such a way that seems extremely complex, even though it is simply an amalgamation of infinitely small "wills" (or force vectors).  It seems silly to try and give this gigantic cataclysm any type of superimposed identity or conciousness.  To do so would be the equivalent of saying that an avalanche or a whirlpool is a monster with evil intent.  That is too simple and self centered of an explanation and therefore doesn't truly describe the phenomenon.

What I have noticed about this inference is that the human will also plays into this chaos, and actually kowtows to the chaos regularly.  Everything about who I am and what I think is composed of these same billiard balls crashing around the universe.  I cannot be without them.  My will is comprised of a large group of atoms behavior and is completely dependant on that behavior continuing.

Through out the ages, humanity has been trying its very best to explain the big capital T truth, but due to lack of technology and a healthy dose of self indoctrinated significance, it's been really hard to break through and see what is really going on.

We have almost no control over anything.  The very little will power that we think we have can be, and regularly is, crushed by randomness at any time.  There are so many wills (animate and inanimate) converging in this limitless box we call the universe, that all we can do is hope we don't float into a black hole.

We are made of everything, and therefore we are nothing.

The capital T Truth is Chaos.  Fuck the blanket.  Pure being is more fun.

MY APARTMENT!

Its still not done yet, but once the rest of the guitars get here, I will show updated pics.

I am about to fire my subconcious.  In the last 18 hours, I have had 2 very vivid nightmares.  It has not been a pleasant experience.

The first dream ended with my daughter laying in the road next to a crashed semi truck.  Her body was mangled and she was crying.  Blood was coming out her mouth.

The second dream, I was flying a jet in a training area.  This training area was filled with extremely tall ship sails with cables strewn through the sky, making the area extremely difficult to manuever at fast speeds.  For some reason the jet wouldn't climb beyond the reach of the obstacles, and in attempting to avoid the obstacles, I crashed.  The part that should've told me right away that this was a dream was the fact that the jet hit the concrete nose first and exploded, but I was only thrown about 6 feet from the impact point and landed on my back with out a scratch.  I had to then go explain to my Commander and First Sergeant that I had just crashed a multi million dollar aircraft.  I was demoted on the spot.

I am attempting to determine the significance of these dreams as well as debunk them in order to dispel the effect that they will have on me today and later on.

Dream 1:  In order to deal with the effect of this, I immediately called Lucia so I could hear proof that she was ok.  This worked pretty well.  I think this indicates something about my inability to be there for her and protect her, but it may also indicate that I have a fear that me being responsible for her could end disasterously.  In which case, I need to spend more time with her and build my confidence in my ability to care for my own child.

Dream 2:  I don't know why my brain selected jets as the craft of choice for this dream.  I am considering becoming a helicopter pilot, which may have been a factor that helped to trigger the stress.  My reaction to getting demoted was what stirred me awake.  I think that means that not only do I have a fear of losing what I have worked for, but it also means that I have an inkling that I might lose it for a reason that is not completely my fault.  Afterall, who the fuck would let an untrained person fly a jet through an airspace cluttered with obstacles like that?  Moreover, who would allow that kind of area, littered with gigantic ship sails and cables of all things (I haven't figured out what the fuck that means or how they got there yet), to be used as a training area for jets?  As for being demoted, when my First Sergeant started to insist that I take my rank off, I noticed that I was in a PT uniform.  Why would I be flying an aircraft in PTs?  Stupid dreams.

Diagnosis:  I need to get home.  I need to talk to a shrink.  I am overdue for a tune up.